My ideal pub.
Size: Mid-sized. Cosy, but large enough to have a bustling atmosphere. A beer garden is a must but it doesn’t have to be massive.
Drinks: Proper ale and proper cider must be included. Some genuine craft or local beers. Then all your bloody favourites. Decent wine and decent spirits. Spirits and mixers available on request, simple cocktails perhaps but nothing fancy. I like a fine cocktail, but this ain’t the place.
Food: Genuine vegan and GF options available (this ain’t pretentious, this is a gamechanger). Interesting but unpretentious, with a few staples. Informal, no ‘dining area’. Focus here is in on drinking. Kitchen to be closed by 9. Must have a decent array of crisps, peanuts, pork-scratchings etc. No bougie sausage rolls or pastry items, this isn’t a cafe or deli.
Decor: No novelty quirky crap on the walls. Nice nods to the area and community. Seating mostly wooden and not hugely comfortable. Cushions allowed but this ain’t for naps, it’s for chats. NO SOFAS EVER.
Music: Mostly alternative rock/pop but a bit of variety. Doesn’t matter if it is obscure but must not be too invasive (no ‘industrial’ or ‘prog-death-metal’ etc). Must be the right volume. Must be audible, not to be an irritating murmur but it must also not be too loud. We do not want to have to shout at each other over a lunchtime pint on a Thursday. A jukebox is allowed but staff have overall control. A piano is certainly a nice extra. No ‘pub DJs’ ever.
Live music is a bonus, but only if there is a segregated ‘venue space’ either upstairs or down.
Sport: All football to be shown. Screens well placed, as this should not be an afterthought. Sound MUST be on and be clearly audible to those nearby. Other sport to be shown on one or more screens, upon customer request. No rugby.
Clientele: People like me, and a bit of a cross-section of society. A good pub is good for people watching.
Atmosphere: Boisterous when busy but zero aggro-banter. This is a prime venue for putting the world to rights with close acquaintances. No need for security on the door.
Staff: They know their trade.
Pets: Dogs begrudgingly accepted, must be seen and not heard. The pub can have a cat.
Children: Begrudgingly accepted early doors, but not welcome after 6pm.
Toilets: Not a cesspit.
Games: No arcade, quiz machines or fruit machines ever. While I like a pool table and darts, they take up a lot of space and there is often a weird politics/hierarchy involved in their use, which I’d like to avoid. Must have a decent and very boozy pub quiz: No novelty quizzes. Challenging but not too hard and not piss easy.
Shout out to Carl Twobob’s quiz at the Joiners Arms in Camberwell, every Wednesday at 8pm.
Price: Doesn’t take the piss.
Opening hours: 11:00 – 00:00 Monday — Thurs. 11:00 – 01:00 Friday and Saturday. 11:00 – 23:00 Sunday. This ain’t a club, nor is it a brunch cafe.
Pubs I had in mind when compiling this: Prince George, Dalston. The Lord Tredegar, Mile End. The Telegraph at The Earl of Derby, New Cross. The Blythe Hill Tavern, Catford. Fox & Firkin, Ladywell (Circa 2010)
